missing memories.

Getting back missing memories as I radically heal + reintegrate the fragmented parts of my identity feels like someone is massaging my soul.

I’m remembering things that I just did not have the capacity to hold before.

These last 16 months have been trauma recovery for me and I’d describe it the way Tricia Hersey of The Nap Ministry describes rest when she says “it’s a meticulous love practice”.

It’s not any one thing—tool, method, resource—it’s a lot of different things that make up our individual and collective radical healing and liberation journeys.

It’s not a one-time event, but a body-led practice and neuroplasticity adventure.

There’s often a grief when I think about the periods of time I can’t remember—but there’s also the hope that they’re still in there and I’ll gradually make space for them. I’ll make it safe for them to come around.

Recently, I remembered that I’ve always been an artist.

I came into this thing 12 weeks early to make sure I could be here for the pre-production.

I came to tell a story, ok? preemies unite.

I have sang and danced and written and drawn and created entire worlds from the clouds of my imagination.

But most of my memories about my identity and creativity have been “lost” for a very long time.

I had stopped recognizing the dynamic and magnetic little girl in all of my baby pictures.

My identity and sense of self had been so corrupted over the years that I’d forgotten so much of who I am. 

But the missing memories are coming back to me now.

And they’re changing my life.

These last 16 months, I’ve been working diligently to begin shifting from chronic stress, exhaustion, and disembodiment back to whole, regulated, rested, nourished, and expressed.

lots of death and rebirth. shape-shifting. immense grieving. capacity stretching. therapy. saturating in cosmic and energetic languages. I’ve burned down entire beliefs and chosen new ones, again and again. I’ve stood alone. I’ve been and anchored and built up by community. I’ve fallen in love with my humanity. And I’m re-emerging, piece by little magical piece. 

I trust that the more space I make + create, the more room there is for me to be exactly who I am. 

🤞🏾A.